A Beautiful Day

October 6, 2012...A day that will be etched in my memory forever. A truly beautiful day. The day when our dear friends, the Starrs, brought home their precious Ethiopian daughter. We started this similar journey separately nearly 3 years ago before we even knew each other. We live about 2 miles apart, go to the same church, both homeschool, and our children are friends...all great blessings. But to go through this journey of Ethiopian adoption together (even though our timelines and agencies are different) has been an unexpected and wonderful blessing from God.

Seeing them complete this part of the journey to the homecoming day alone would make this day completely incredible. But God did even more. After nearly 2 years of reluctance, God is moving Isaiah's heart towards his little sister who is still a world away. Watching his friends experience the beauty of adding to their family through adoption has been a key factor, I believe, in helping him process through what will soon be happening in our own little family. For this, I am truly grateful to God. 

And there is more....God is so good! I have been really nervous about how I would handle yesterday. I was nervous about my fragile emotions and really wanting to be truly happy for our friends, without being super sad about our own delays in bringing home our daughter, or frustrated that we have to keep waiting with even more delays. Yesterday morning began with reading these words from Isaiah 52:7:

"How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

I truly believe that God gave those words to me yesterday to lighten my heart and bring great peace and joy over the day. I felt God's presence wash over me in a way I can't really describe. I am so grateful!! I felt his true peace and joy the entire day long and was released from any feeling of self-pity or sadness. 

Praise the LORD! 

Here's a photo recap of this beautiful evening. 

Waiting for her Mommy, Daddy and baby sister. She sat this way for probably close to 15 minutes or more.

 

 

 

LOVE this one. Siblings immediately.

 

 

 

Our precious son watching and taking it all in.

 

 

 

So happy to be home at long last!!

 

 

 

Family portrait....all together...finally!!

Thank you God for a most beautiful day. And in Isaiah's words as we were leaving the airport last night, "Mom, Dad....this was.......GOOD."

Amen.

Lord, Help Me to Remember...

Our beautiful daughter's little hand

Waiting for our daughter has been the hardest things that we've ever gone through. Waiting for our referral was extremely tough. Waiting now that we know who she is is torture. Especially being told we would travel in July or August, to now having to wait until late Oct. or November. From what we've been told, the wait after we meet her until the time we can bring her home will feel even worse. Over the course of a lifetime, a month or a year or two or four or five doesn't seem like much. When you are waiting for your child, each day feels like an eternity. Every day your child sits in an orphanage seems so pointless and you feel so helpless.

During this time, I've been trying to pray and ask God to teach us what he is wanting us to learn during this time. He has made two things rather apparent this week that I've felt led to share.

First, I'm a fixer. I don't like conflict. Or pain. Or discomfort. Or watching friends or family in pain or grief. I want to fix it, say the right encouraging words, provide the right verse, come up with just the right solution or say the right thing to ease the pain and bring healing and resolution. I want peace not pain.

Not necessarily a bad thing, right?

However, it often doesn't work and sometimes ends up causing more pain to the recipient because what they really need is just to be heard and told that's it's ok to be sad or angry or hurt and that no matter what you'll be there for them. I'm starting to realize that I can't fix the pain that others are going through, just like I can't fix this pain that we are going through. It just hurts. Only God can bring true healing, comfort and peace and understanding of His perfect plan. He gives it in His own perfect time...which may be today, or next week, month, year... or even not until we reach heaven's gates.

Jesus was the perfect example of how to enter into a person's grief and just 'be there.' He wept when his dear friend Lazarus died. He KNEW what would happen in the next few minutes and that everyone would be shouting with joy when Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. But the first thing he did was to weep with his friends. He grieved with them. Perhaps going through the grief makes the joy that much sweeter when it happens? I don't know. Knowing that Jesus understands grief and that it's ok to cry and weep has been a great comfort to me in the past few weeks.

So, friends and family, for all the times I've tried to "fix" you and offer words meant to comfort, but have poured salt on your wounds instead, please forgive me. I'm truly sorry. What I meant for help and comfort because I love you and care for you, has caused you pain and I am beginning to understand that now. Please feel free to gently remind me if I keep doing this to you....old habits die hard.

Going through hurt and pain doesn't mean that you don't know or trust in God's provision and perfect timing. It just means that for that moment, day, week, whatever....it simply hurts. So badly sometimes that you just want to curl up in a ball, close the curtains, hide from the outside world and weep. And that's ok.

It's ok because of the second thing God has been teaching me...we live in a broken world and we will be until Jesus comes again and makes all things new. Things are not as they should be. Governments don't work the way they should. Courts don't always provide justice. Agencies cannot always be trusted. People we love hurt us and we hurt them. We don't protect the least of these as well as we should. We live in a sinful world and God has pretty much promised that we will have pain in this life.

However, there will come a day when Jesus will make all things new and redeem his people and his creation. There will come a day when we will understand God's purposes in this long, agonizing wait. Yet, we need to realize that we may not fully know what He is doing until we are with him in heaven. And it's ok to not understand and to struggle. At the same time, I choose to praise him, even through my tears and grief, knowing that He DOES KNOW and that He is sovereign. His omniscience is not dependent upon my understanding of what He is doing.

In the meantime, Lord, please help me to remember...
... how this grief feels in order to be able to be willing to enter into the grief of others to provide real comfort.
...grief is a process. No matter how much I want to gloss over the pain, take a shortcut, say that I'm fine, go through the motions, say the right 'spiritual answer', appear to have it all together, or quote the right verse....the pain is still there and grieving needs to be allowed.
...only You can bring true healing in your own perfect time.

O Happy Day!!

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!"
Psalm 30: 11-12

 "Good news from far away is like cold water to the thirsty."
Proverbs 25:25

A little over a week ago, on June 19th, a little after 10 o'clock in the morning, we received one of the most important and life-changing calls of our lives. Our adoption agency called with happy news with our referral! They called while Isaiah was in karate. The class had just started and I heard the first few notes of the song "Hosanna" coming from my phone. This totally surprised me, since I had asked our agency the day before if they could let me know the number they would be calling from, so I could change the ringtone on my phone. I was tired of jumping at each and every call. Little did I know that they would call the very next day!!
I jumped up, ran out of Isaiah's class and practically shouted, "Hello!"...crying, laughing and shaking all at the same time. Then I heard the words I will never forget...

"Missy, did your phone ring with your new ringtone? (laughing on both ends), we have happy news for you! We have a referral for you and Benji....she's a beautiful 4 year old little girl...."

At this point, I'm sure she said a lot of other things, but I was crying and laughing and shaking, and praising God for his amazing blessings, that I just can't put all the other details into words.

One of the many amazing things about this is just that morning, 2 hours earlier, I was reading Proverbs 25, and when I came to verse 25, "Good news from far away is like cold water to the thirsty." That struck me as being really significant, so I read it out loud to Benji and we talked about how we were longing to hear that good news from far away.

Well, needless to say, after hanging up with our agency, I called Benji right away and we both couldn't believe it and were crying and laughing. He said he would drive over to karate right then and there, so we could read over her information together. The email with her information and her pictures hadn't come through on my phone yet.

Meanwhile, our dear friend, Nikki Starr (who had received their referral just 5 weeks earlier), came walking up and saw me from a distance waving my phone and jumping around like a crazy woman. She quickly put two and two together, screamed, and came running over. What a sweet blessing to be able to share that special moment with a dear friend who knew exactly how much it meant to us and how it felt.

About 15-20 agonizing minutes later, the email finally came through on my phone. With trembling hands I opened it and for the very first time, looked into my precious new daughter's beautiful face. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was, how healthy she looked...and how she was even smiling. God alone can take a terribly painful, heartbreaking situation and make something beautiful come out of it. He has certainly shown that to be true time and time again in our own lives.

Throughout this past week, I've reflected on how God, in his infinite wisdom, has brought our family together.

4 1/2 years ago, we started praying for and hoping for another child.

4 years ago our daughter was born, a world away.

2 2/3 years ago, we decided against not pursuing any more help with our unexplained fertility problems. We would leave it completely in God's hands.

2 1/2 years ago, tragedy struck our precious daughter's world.

2 1/2 years ago, God lead us to start the adoption process. He kept leading us to Ethiopia in our decision-making process. We couldn't fully explain why, except that we knew our daughter was there.

2 years ago we applied to the Ethiopian program.

17 1/2 months ago our dossier was submitted to Ethiopia.

2 1/2 months ago I couldn't sleep and was prompted by God to pray hard for our daughter. I did, but it wasn't enough, so I woke up Benji and we prayed fervently for our daughter.

2 1/2 months ago, our daughter was relinquished into an orphanage.

3 weeks ago I was prompted to pray again for our precious girl.

3 weeks ago our daughter went through a huge transition in her sweet, short life, transferring to a different orphanage.

A little over 1 week ago we saw our daughter's sweet face for the first time.

4 days ago, our formal match paperwork was submitted and Ethiopia was told that our daughter has a loving family.

4 days ago, our daughter was told she has a family. I can only imagine what she must be going through right now and my mama's heart aches for her and I can't wait to hold her in my arms.


Through 4 1/2 years of waiting on the Lord, we had many dark days and times of wondering what God was doing through our times of struggle.  Now we know. Even just writing this down I can see God's goodness through the pain and I am crying tears of joy.  I am truly humbled and in awe of our great God who can span the globe and in his perfect love, bring a family together. 

"God places the lonely in families; he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy." Psalm 68:6a

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will gather your children from the east and gather you from the west."
Isaiah 43:5

I cling to our faithful God, who keeps his promises today and in the days, weeks, months and years ahead.

an unexpected lesson on the road

I haven't felt lead to blog in over 6 months. I just didn't have the heart or inspiration. Yet we just returned from a 12 day, over 4,000 mile road trip and something happened along the road that I felt the Lord leading me to write it down. We went to San Jose, California for Benji's Grandmother's memorial and burial service. It was a very touching time with extended family that has made a lasting impact on our lives. We wanted to drive out, partly to honor his grandmother, Kathryn Van Diest. She loved being with family and valued making memories. Our plan was that on the way back home from California, we would stop at the Grand Canyon for a few hours. I have always wanted to see the Grand Canyon for myself, having heard so much about it from others who have visited. But something unexpected happened along the way.

I heard from God.

Not an audible voice, but an impression so strong that it overwhelmed and humbled me and blew me away.

It happened on the way to the Grand Canyon. We left Victorville, California on Saturday morning, excited to drive into Arizona and ultimately, the Grand Canyon. As we got closer to our hotel, I started noticing the landscape all around us. I had expected the hot desert with canyons all around. The route we took was heavily forested, cold, windy and hilly. After we checked into our hotel in Williams, AZ, we began the 58 mile journey to the canyon. The road was 56 miles that looked exactly like the picture above. Forest all around. Absolutely no indication that there was the most majestic canyon in the world, just ahead.

We were tired. It was late in the day. The road was tedious and felt like we would never arrive. I started to wonder if it was worth it. Isaiah was cranky. We were hungry. About halfway I felt a serious impression by the Holy Spirit, saying,

"This is like your faith journey, my daughter."

Wait. What?

Then it suddenly dawned on me how true that was. I had heard many stories about the Grand Canyon from people who had been there already. I had seen countless pictures. I had watched videos. I believed that it was real. I just hadn't experienced it for myself yet. God hadn't revealed himself to me in that way yet.

We've been on the adoption road for over 2 years now. Just on the road. It doesn't feel like we are going anywhere. We've heard the stories, seen the photos, watched the videos, filled out the paperwork. We have no doubt that God wants us on this road at this time. At times we get weary, sad and tired and even doubt if it will even happen.

We had to have faith to continue down the road to the canyon, even though there was absolutely no indication that it was even there. We had to have faith to press on, even though we were tired and doubting if it was worth it.

Boy, was it worth it! God revealed himself in a mighty and personal way to me that day. In a way I desperately needed. As we parked the car and walked past the visitors center, we still couldn't tell that the Grand Canyon was even there. But then finally, as we rounded a bend, there it was! So completely majestic, beautiful, immense and overwhelming that it hurt to look at it. Yet, we couldn't tear our eyes away from God's incredible beauty displayed in his awesome Creation. It was so incredible and terribly dangerous and raw and powerful. Words and photos can hardly scratch the surface of it's true nature and beauty.

Our faith journeys are like that, aren't they? Almost always, the roads that God leads us down don't usually look like what we expect. They are usually harder that we think. There are times of doubt and trouble. There are times we wonder if this road will end or finish well. I don't think I adequately can put into words what God pressed on my heart that day. I praise your name, Lord Jesus. Thank you for carrying us on the road when we are weary. Thank you for sending messages of joy and hope and words of encouragement to keep on pressing on. Thank you for the promise that there will be a day when we will round the last bend and enter into your glorious presence and never doubt your goodness and perfect plan again. I thank God that all of Benji's grandparents and all of my grandparents are experiencing that to the fullest right now, in heaven.

"Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised."
Hebrews 10:36

"For the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it."
1 Corinthians 10:26

God is the Great Provider!!

Praise God from Whom ALL blessing flows!! As of yesterday, we have the funds needed for our daughter's adoption!! If you would have told me a year and a half ago that God would provide over $29,000 to be able to complete our adoption, it would have been very hard to believe. Yet, that is EXACTLY what God has done! Saying "yes" to God's leading in our lives has been teaching us that He always follows through and equips for His calling. How much hope this gives us, and hopefully gives you as well! It has not been in the timing we've wanted, or the ways we thought...pretty much with all of our plans, God had other ideas in mind...BETTER ideas.

We got word yesterday (3 weeks ahead of when we expected to be notified one way or another), that we were being given a $10,000 grant towards our adoption from a local, Christian foundation. We are still in shock. There are no words to express our absolute gratitude to God, and to the grant foundations, our church family, and the many other people who have stood by us in this journey through prayer, financial gifts, friendship and support of all kinds. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. From the smallest gift of a child's dimes and pennies to the large gifts and grants, every penny has gone into helping us take one small step at a time on this journey.

Zechariah 4:10 "Do not despise small beginnings, for God loves to see His work begin."

Looking for Blessings in the Waiting.....

Wow, it's been so long since I've written on our blog. The main reason why? Waiting is hard. When you're waiting, it's hard to emotionally go where your heart longs to go...imagining who our precious daughter is. What is her name? Where is she from? What does she look like? What is her story? So many unanswered questions. So many "fill-in-the-blanks." It's just extremely hard to go there day after day, week-after-week, month-after-month....year-after-year. So sometimes, I chose just not to go there at all.

God placed adoption on our hearts over 8 years ago. We've been longing and praying for another child for nearly 5 years. We've been in this adoption process since early February 2010. On the waiting list for our referral since January 15, 2011. How much longer to wait? No idea.

There certainly are days when I want to lay down and wallow in self-pity and despair.  When that happens, and it does, I pray and ask God to help me actively CHOOSE TRUST. If I truly believe that GOD IS SOVEREIGN, than I need to reach out from the pit and grasp onto God's mighty hand to pull me up and out of doubt and darkness.

He KNOWS when, where, why, how, who, and any other question I throw at him. I praise Him for teaching me (some days kicking and screaming inside), to be still and TRUST Him. And to PRAISE Him. This is something He is starting to impress upon my heart more and more. Praise Him! If I choose to see them, there are many blessings in the waiting.

Here are some of the big ones God has been impressing on me the last week or so:

1.  God is using this time to prepare our family, in more ways than we are even aware of. Isaiah has gone from being afraid and nervous to just recently really wanting to know his new sister and praying regularly for her. This is a HUGE blessing that I can't do justice to express. God knew that Isaiah needed TIME.

2.  Recognizing how much of a blessing it is to have supportive friends and family to share the journey with.  I have found how rare a gift this is and truly pray for forgiveness for the times I've taken it for granted. I praise God for putting such amazing friends and family in our lives. God knew we needed FRIENDS and SUPPORT.

3.  God continues to provide for our financial needs with the adoption. We recently looked back over the last year and a half, and realized that God has provided over $19,000 towards bring his little child into our family. These blessings have come through family, friends, church family, a grant, garage sales, cd sales, coin collecting, saving, consigning, gifts, the list goes on and on. God knew we needed FUNDS.

4.  I have a wonderful child who is such a great gift from God. It is truly a privilege and blessing to be able to be Isaiah's mom and teacher. I count our time as just the 3 of us a real blessing. Even though we long for #4, I try to treasure each day as just us 3. God knows the plans he has for ISAIAH. God knows what preparation we need to honor Him more in our PARENTING.

5. We have so much. Often I wonder if it's all too much. I worry about what to cook for dinner, but never about if we can EAT dinner. There is an extreme famine spreading through the Horn of Africa right now as I write this. Our daughter's birth mom may right now not have enough to feed herself, much less her children. How can this even be??? Lord, please continue to break my heart for what breaks yours. I so often live in apathy. God knew we needed PERSPECTIVE.

...and many, many more. I look forward to the days where we can learn how our daughter needed this waiting as well.

So, as hard as it might be to say...humbly I thank you, thank you God. For what you have done and continue to do..... in the waiting.

Prayers for my Sister

Just look at this sweet face. We love our boy so much! He has been asking a lot more questions about his new sister this week. He usually doesn't like to talk about it very much (it's taking too long for her to be here in his opinion...we couldn't agree more, buddy!). But God's timing is perfect and we wait on Him. Yet, this week, Isaiah's heart is tender towards our little one. He has been praying for her several times a day. His honest and raw emotion are so special to witness. The other day, he was wondering if his sister feels lonely like he does sometimes. I could hardly contain my tears. On Sunday, driving home from our Life Group, he said,

"Mommy, what do the grown-ups talk about during life group?"
"Well, we read the Bible and/or a book and talk about God and how he wants us to live. We also pray with and for each other."
"Do you talk about adoption?"
"Sometimes we do. We pray for your sister almost every time we meet together. Why do you ask?"
"Because sometimes I think it's taking too long and sometimes I want it to take longer."
"Why's that?"
"Because I want her to come...just not right now. I'm not quite ready."
(meanwhile, I'm amazing that these profound, clear feelings are being expressed by our 5 year old!)
"I understand, buddy. It's OK to feel that way. God will make us all ready when the time is right. We don't have to be ready today."
"That's good. I'm hungry, can we get ice cream?:)"

Dear Jesus, how often I feel exactly that way. I'm so eager to be adopting and so anxious to see our daughter's face and to hold her and bring her home and begin life with her. Yet, in some ways we aren't quite ready and I feel you working in us and preparing us...preparing a family for your precious little girl.  Lord Jesus, you are the God of the universe and knit each of us together in our mother's wombs....I truly KNOW that YOU are IN this time of waiting. Prepare us Lord. Prepare us all and make us ready. Make our hearts tender and full of compassion and love for your precious child.  Work in each of our hearts and do the work within us that only you can do. Make us ALL ready for each other, Lord. We put our trust in you. You alone know the cry of our hearts.
Amen.